What Do You Want?

Several years ago, my life changed dramatically when I came out as a gay man. To call that a season of upheaval would be an understatement. It was an incredibly painful time. I failed at a lot of things. I felt and caused pain. But I also learned a lot.  

One of the things I learned was how hard it was to answer the question, “What do you want?” Several people asked me that question during that tumultuous season, and I struggled to answer it. Up to that point in my life, I had learned to figure out what people around me wanted or expected and then I delivered on their expectations. The idea that I was allowed to want anything specific for myself, especially if it was not what the people around me wanted, was very hard for me to accept.

I had learned to attach all sorts of negative connotations to the simple phrase, “I want…”  I had learned that to want something for myself was selfish, self-centered, and inconsiderate. And in the religious context I was raised in, there was the added layer of considering many of those wants to be sinful - meaning, they had existential, eternal consequences. No wonder I struggled to answer that simple question.

Now, I am better at (not great at, but better at) acknowledging what I want. That does not mean I always get it. But I get it more often now than when I would not even acknowledge that I had wants. Now, I get to help other people answer that question for themselves.

As a coach, I love helping people to articulate and pursue what they want. Some of my clients are already clear on what they want, and our work is primarily about creating a plan to get there. For others, we work together to be able to say it out loud for the first time. 

It is not selfish or sinful to get in touch with what you want, say it out loud, and then create a plan to pursue it. Being honest and open about what you want is part of living an authentic life. It makes you a healthier partner, parent, employee, coworker, or boss. 

Rev. Dr. Howard Thurman (a mentor of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.) said, “Do not ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.”

Let’s talk soon about what you want - about what makes you come alive.